Thursday, June 10, 2004

Its so hard ...

I've been trying to come to terms with the passing of the Muthokas. Its been extremely difficult - I can't fully accept what has happened without 'saying goodbye'. I hate being overseas. I can't grieve properly because I haven't 'laid' them to rest. I hate having to struggle to suppress my feelings of hurt, despair and a deep sense of loss. I hate having to pretend that I'm ok when really I just want to scream at the top of my voice so that everyone can know how deep the pain is, how much I hurt, how hard it is to fall asleep every night since my every waking thought rips away the scab of my emotional wound. I hate having to email my parents in Kenya telling them I'm ok when I truly need their emotional support right now and can't say anything of the sort since they'll just worry unnecessarily about my history of peptic ulcers. I hate that much as my friends have told me I can always count on them for support, I can't - because self-punishment and martyrdom is the nature of my personality. I just wish I could turn off a switch and the pain will end. The grief will pass. My heart will find peace. And I'll get some sleep at night. Today is a new day. Let's hope that when I accompany my friends to Birmingham for a shopping trip they will not notice my sleep depravation or the dark shadow I feel developing behind my face as a result of trying so hard. I hope I can maintain the facade of someone who is together. God please help me heal .....

2 Comments:

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4:00 pm  
Blogger Silver Fox said...

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10:42 pm  

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